Return of the Native 2 - Edinburgh

What I really hate about long distance rail travel in the UK is that it's too damned quick. You've no sooner settled back to enjoy the ride and you're at your bloody destination! That was certainly the case with our trip from London to Edinburgh. We left the unwashed masses to their own devices in the departure hall, all staring up at the illuminated commandments awaiting a platform direction from the Fat Controller. We had First Class tickets so headed straight for the lounge. Unfortunately it bears no resemblance to an airport lounge but you can spend a penny without it costing you 40p. They also have the Fat Controller's ear so can direct you straight to the appropriate platform via the special overhead walkway and lifts - no cattle stampedes!

Virgin East Coast Travel Tip #1

Book seats on the right side of the carriage to get the seaside view north of Newcastle. There seem to be more cathedrals on that side of the train as well.

Virgin East Coast Travel Tip #2

If you're travelling First Class try to do it on a weekday because hot food and an open bar are part of the deal. For reasons I cannot fathom it's just sangas and soft drink on a weekend.

Edinburgh was immediately appealing but its buildings are rather filthy. With a couple of beers tucked safely under my belt, I once fronted a drag queen in Adelaide and told her that wigs can be brushed. Well here's completely sober telling Edinburgh that stone and brick can be cleaned. Why not try on the absolutely blackened Scott's Monument, it may catch on? That aside, it's a very pleasant city if you can ignore the fact that they used to hang people on every other bloody street corner - but not the witches, they were strangles and then burned.

Edinburgh Hotel Tip #1

The Premier Inn City Centre Royal Mile is modern and very comfortable with good sized rooms that have a view if you're lucky. We looked at Carlton Hill with all its various monuments and structures. It's brilliantly located just a 5 minute walk from Edinburgh's Waverley Station and near all kinds of restaurants as well as a stop for all the hop-on-hop-off city tour buses routes which I also recommend. Splash out the extra couple of quid and take the Majestic Tour, it covers all of the routes and even takes you to the Firth of Forth which is worth going to just so you can say "I've been to the Firth of Forth" and it would be even better if you could go there on the forth of the fifth!

I think I've lost a little weight. We had to remove everything from our pockets and take our belts off when we went through security at the Parliament of Scotland today. Then there was a pat down which turned out to be a bit of a shorts down in my case. They slid half way to my knees! I was absolutely delighted but the security chap and the others about were a little surprised.

I'm not prepared to pass judgement on the new buildings of a' Pàrlamaid na h-Albabut but my first thought was they're a bit shit - or should I say 'shite'? They were designed by a Catalan architect who probably shared a grudge about being from an absorbed client state but then he died before the place was finished or even properly explained. It's absolutely rotten with all manner of both abstract and construct symbolism that requires a very long lunch and a great deal of Chardonnay to appreciate although Prosecco seems to be all the go here. Now that's taken me right back to Asti Riccadonna and Al Grassby at the Griffith RSL Club in 1972!

Anyway, with my belt done up an extra notch we hiked the Royal Mile to Edinburgh Castle - us and thousands of others. I'd hate to be here in the height of the season! I was intrigued to see that the area in front of the castle where the Edinburgh Tattoo is held isn't flat, in fact it's quite the slope. I shall be watching with informed eyes next time it's on.

And it was cheap! The website mentions free entry for carers so we flashed Peter's Companion Card and I was in for free, Peter as a senior. Hey, if you don't ask and you don't get! We were queued to see the Royal Jewels, which are really just the crown and associated things, but I could see a very narrow, very crowded curved staircase up ahead so asked the guide what it was like. She was a lovely lass from Melbourne and once I uttered the magic word 'claustrophobia' she took us to an elevator then provided a full explanation of the history of what we were about to see.

We had Indian tapas for dinner at the only BYO restaurant I've spotted so far. We really enjoyed the chicken egg foo young the previous night at the Chinese/Japanese/Malay fusion that was run by Italians but 'Mother and Child Reunion' by Simon and Garfunkel kept playing in my head since that's apparently what the song was about.

We're sitting on Waverley Station awaiting the train to Glasgow as I write.  It's the second largest railway station in Britain and looks to have been designed by a number of different committees over several generations.  People may one day say the same about the Parliament buildings. The station is interesting though and takes me back to my childhood when Grandma and Pop would take me to Central Station in Sydney for whatever reason. I was absolutely fascinated by the little tractor things that hauled long 'trains' of baggage carts too and fro the actual trains of the day. Happy memories.