Return of the Native - Part 8

The Emirates Air Line

This isn't actually an airline but rather an air line - an aerial gondola across the Thames just east of the flood barrier - an enormously high gondola with views forever.  London's Lord Mayor apparently thinks it's public transport but the hike from a station at either end doesn't cut it for me.  Millennium Dome aside, it's also off the tourist track so I don't have a clue as to the reason for its existence, apart from advertising, but it's a damned good ride!

The Emirates Air Line

The Docklands Light Railway et al

As London's redevelopment pushes east so does the LDR - a driverless light rail network.  It is efficient and quick and is one of four kinds of rail in London.  The others are the Tube which we all know about - an essentially underground toy train set that was built for hobbits; the Overground which approaches adult-size and, contrary to its name, runs both overground and underground; and National Rail which is like the Sydney suburban and interurban network only all single deck.  

The Docklands Light Railway

There are numerous points where two or more systems interconnect but then you need to transfer which is not nearly as simple a process as it looks on the maps, especially if you're a tad claustrophobic as I am!  The connecting tunnels, escalators, elevators, moving footways and stairs can go for up to a kilometre and will give you an insight into the miserable life of a colliery pit pony.

Add to this the aforementioned confusion as to which side to walk on when surrounded by three or four times more people than the system was designed to handle and you will see why I heave a sigh of relief every time we finally break ground.

National Rail

The Devil Shops at Harrods

It's true!  If you must go there take a UV light, Satan's semen stains are everywhere, especially on and around the Egyptian Escalators which were apparently modelled on those in King Tutt's tomb!  This place is obscene, absolutely obscene - it is completely unnecessary!

We only went there because my sister, whom I dearly love, wanted one of those damned Harrods bags.  So off we went and I hated it from the very moment we walked through the door into the first of who-knows-how-many interconnecting 'rooms' that make up this retailing labyrinth.

While we were there I failed to spot a single thing that any living being actually needs - including the Pink Lady apples at  £8.50 a kilo which is almost ten times the price of the last ones I bought at Coles and that can't all be freight!  But on we struggled against the tide of cashed-up Arabs and curious tourists, asking and searching, asking and searching, until we finally stumbled upon the room that sells Harrods bags, the busiest room the entire store!

Of course on the way we managed to pass the Tea Room which got a certain somebody's juices flowing and despite my entirely better judgement I gave in.  We paid £32.95 for tea and scones - around $70 - which left me disgusted with myself!  I immediately vowed to find a local charity and donate an equivalent amount as penance, an act of cleansing if you will, and the opportunity came later that same evening at the end of the best theatre performance of my life when the cast and crew collected money for Save the Children in these dark, dark days of refugees in crisis.

The Book of Mormon

You've just gotta love the boys who wrote South Park - they have showcased the absolute best of their skills in The Book of Mormon.  It's a witty and amusing piss-take on Mormonism, an incredibly entertaining and melodious parody.  It begins with a very funny potted history and the annoying God-bothering Mormon tactics we're all-too-well aware of.  But then comes the twist when Elders Price and Cunningham are sent on mission to Africa.  Everything goes amusingly belly-up, as you would expect, and the klutzy Elder Cunningham ends up completely reinventing the Church Latter Day Saints in Uganda with the help of some frogs and The Book of Arnold - and best I don't go into the part the frogs play.

Andrew Lloyd killed musicals for me.  Every tune he has ever written is little more than a rework of 'I Don't Know How to Love Him' from Jesus Christ Superstar.  That was OK in the day but how many times can you bear the same bloody jingle unless you're a goldfish in a bowl, in which case it's all just variations on a theme - a musical version of McDonald's without the contrast of the pickle.  Never mind though, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have given me hope!

Hasa diga eebowai!